Let’s face it - life is full of challenges, and very often it seems that other people cause the problems that we find ourselves pushed into, as described by Jean-Paul Sartre in his play No Exit:
“So this is hell. I’d never have believed it. You remember all we were told about the torture-chambers, the fire and brimstone, the ”burning marl.” Old wives’ tales! There’s no need for red-hot pokers. Hell is - other people!”
From family feuds to friends falling out, is hell really other people, or is there another way of looking at conflict from a more spiritual and uplifting perspective? Why does conflict arise, and is there a way to resolve it, or at least find a more constructive way forward?
What is Conflict?
Conflict can be defined as “an active disagreement or argument between people with opposing opinions or principles”. Note the word, ‘active’ that’s used here. Conflicts often involve either side taking action (or reaction may be a better description), due to a perceived threat, hostility, insult or injustice. That action is often violent in nature, whether physically or verbally, and both sides usually perceive themselves to be the victim and ‘better’ than the other, judging themselves as being ‘right’ and the other side ‘wrong’.
All too often, humans project their own fearful beliefs onto those around them, creating the perception of threat when there is none. Unfortunately, the outcome of the resulting conflict is usually only seen in terms of winners and losers, rather than the third possibility of finding reconciliation through mutual respect and desire for peace.
“Reconciliation: The restoration of friendly relations, or the action of making one’s view or belief compatible with another.” - Dictionary.com
A Spiritual Perspective
From a spiritual point of view, conflict arises in our life on purpose as part of our life plan to provide us with an opportunity to grow in awareness. This growth is achieved by dispelling the fear that lies at the root of any conflict, and finding reconciliation, not only with the other party, but also with ourselves.
Through this process we will also come to realise that we are not separate from our adversary, but connected at many levels with common values that were previously buried under a false narrative. This is the process of healing.
Reframed in this way, the question for either side can then change from, “How do I defend against this threat?” to, “What can I learn from this situation that will help me to dissolve the illusions of fear and separation that I have created within myself and between life?” (to paraphrase Dr. Peebles, channelled through Summer Bacon).
In reality, we are all working through the challenges that life ‘throws at us’, or more accurately that we attract into our lives, so we can discover more about who we actually are. Life gives us the opportunities to strip away the limiting stories and beliefs that we have made up about ourselves and how we perceive the world, so that we can rediscover and reclaim our true divine nature - that of love, compassion and wisdom.
Spiritual Growth
Of course, conflict can be resolved most easily when there is willingness on both sides to reach out, understand and explore creative solutions with mutual respect. This is the route to reconciliation.
But what if only one side is willing? Spiritually, there is still great potential for growth, even in this seemingly one-sided situation. Here’s an insight I received during the small hours of the morning that explains how spiritual growth may still be possible in this all too common one-sided situation:
“By being here on Earth, we receive a constant flow of opportunities to understand who we are more clearly. Through reflection on these events, we have the chance to change who we are, if we want to.
Listen to the small voice inside the heart - but not to the mind, which creates stories of hurt and fear. Discover who you are right now. Do you feel happy and at peace about this? If so, that’s wonderful! If not, what do you want to change about yourself? Who do you want to become instead?
It’s folly to try and change someone else by imposing our will on theirs because all beings have free will, and this is a Universal principle. However, we all have the power to decide to change who we are.
There are a billion perspectives through which we can view the world. None of them are ‘right’ or ‘wrong’. The mind will create stories and try to convince the deeper part of us that it is the one in control, the one who is ‘right’. But it is deluded and is constantly trying to put the cart before the horse - putting itself before the heart - and in doing so, the mind separates us from others and from God.
Listen to the small voice in your heart and decide who you want to be.”
So we have the power to change ourselves, and in so doing, we can be the catalyst for reconciliation by being ‘the change we want to see in the world’ (Mahatma Gandhi). This subtle, personal, yet powerful and positive energy transmission outwards, effectively raises the vibrational frequency of the whole world.
Resolving Conflict - The Chopra Foundation Principles
Whether it’s just one party who is willing, or both, I recently heard Deepak Chopra invite world leaders to commit to several principles for the purposes of resolving conflict and finding peace between nations. I realised that these principles can also form the basis for resolving personal conflicts.
The first step involves both sides realising that there are signficant drawbacks in continuing the conflict, and great benefits to resolving it. Each side should ask themselves what would happen if the conflict continued for the next 5 years? What would be the emotional, physical, financial and spiritual consequences?
On the positive side, what would be the benefits of resolving the conflict as soon as possible?
Cultivating the motivation to commit energy into the reconciliation process is essential from the outset, and ideally this will happen on both sides.
Principles for Effective Conflict Resolution
- Treat the other party with respect.
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- Start a conversation and seek imaginative solutions.
- Refrain from proving the other person ‘wrong’ or ‘bad’. Seek to understand rather than insist on being right.
- Refrain from belligerence. Speak in a way which is not hostile or aggressive, otherwise no progress can be made because the other side will ‘dig in’ and defend themselves.
- Refrain from ideological debates seeking to convince the other party to subscribe to a particular belief or idea. Remember that ‘a man convinced against his will is of the same opinion still’.
- Be courageous enough to ask for forgiveness for any perceived trespasses and be willing to forgive, so both sides can let go of the need to retaliate.
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- Recognise that there is the perception of injustice on both sides.
- Be willing to meet on middle ground. “Out beyond ideas of wrongdoing and rightdoing, there is a field. I’ll meet you there.” - Dr. Marshall Rosenberg.
- Seek to understand your feelings and the feelings of the other side, cultivating empathy and emotional intelligence.
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- Marshall Rosenberg’s approach involves asking and communicating without judgement, "What am I observing the other party saying or doing? What am I feeling? What do I need? How can we fulfil each other's needs?".
- Acknowledge the other side’s need to be heard.
- Understand and acknowledge each other's perspectives and values - principles that guide our actions and decisions in life, even if you don't agree with them.
- Understand that fear is the basis of conflict on both sides. Fear arises when there is no understanding. A lack of understanding arises when communication with respect fails.
Conflict as an Opportunity
No-one enjoys conflict, which if left to fester, becomes ugly, bitter and destructive on both sides.
Yet when viewed through the lens of mutual respect and non-violent communication, conflict can become a powerful opportunity and catalyst for spiritual growth, peace and self realisation at both a personal and at a collective, societal level.
Hell is no longer other people, because we become aware that our perception of others is simply a reflection of ourselves. When we step into this awareness of self, we have the opportunity to decide who we want to be. Then, if we want to, we can take the healing steps necessary to change, and so bring ourselves into truer alignment with our divine nature.
The Chopra Foundation's principles of reconciliation can be applied to any level of conflict from countries at war to acrimonious divorces. The road to reconciliation may sometimes be long and difficult, but progress will always be made when there is a willingness to try, together with respectful communication and a desire to understand without judgement.
In addition, even the smallest reconciliation at a personal level transmits an expansion of love, light and peace into the world around us, so that each one of us does indeed create the world that we want to see.
Conflict is a part of life, but it is also an opportunity. I hope that any conflict that you do experience in this life can be a catalyst for your spiritual upliftment and growth in love, light and peace.
P.S. In a 1971 interview Jean-Paul Sartre was asked about his statement that “hell is other people”. He responded:
“But that’s only that side of the coin. The other side, which no one seems to mention, is also “Heaven is each other.” … Hell is separateness, uncommunicability, self-centeredness, lust for power, for riches, for fame. Heaven, on the other hand, is very simple - and very hard: caring about your fellow beings.”
Jean-Paul Sartre
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